Dating advice blog.


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When Should I Have Sex With Him?

“When should I have sex with him?” It’s a common question that receives multiple different answers and tons of crazy rules.

  • Is the “3rd date rule” really a thing?
  • Do I wait until 10 dates?
  • Don’t we need to have sex so we know if we’re compatible or not?
  • Is it ok to have sex after the first date if we both want to?

Before we jump into this topic, let me say this: If you choose to have (safe!) casual sex with men and say you can emotionally handle it— fine.

I have zero judgement on how you choose to live your life. I’m NOT your moral barometer. 

However, my job isn’t to help women find the next “hook up”.  My job is about helping women find the meaningful relationship they desire.

Clients hire me when they’re ready for a change because what they’re doing isn’t working.

My advice and guidance is for the woman that is ready for a relationship.

Let’s get back to the big sex question. I’m going to answer this question once and for all without any gimmicks, rules, or tricks.

What Does Sex Mean to You?

Before you move from flirty little touches to getting fully physical, it’s important to identify what sex means for you and understand what it means to the man your dating.

Question: Which statement about men is (generally) true?

  • Sex can be incredibly connecting for a man when he shares the experience with a woman he cares about.
  • Sex can be incredibly gratifying without any emotional ties to the woman he’s sleeping with.

Answer: Both.

Most of the time, if a man cares about the woman he’s having sex with, he’ll feel more connected to her after getting physical. On the other hand, generally speaking, men are able to enjoy sex with any women they’re attracted to.

There’s a big difference between “enjoy” and “connect”. When there’s no emotional ties to a woman, a man can still enjoy the physical experience of sex. He simply separates the physical from the emotional.

On the other hand, generally speaking, women typically become more attached after sex.

couple-love-bedroom-kissingA man only becomes more emotionally attached if he cares for the woman BEFORE having sex.

Let that sink in. I want you to understand and to absorb the difference here.

Sex will only increase a man’s emotional attachment if he has true feelings for the woman BEFORE having sex.

So what exactly does this mean? When should I have sex with him? 

Here’s your answer: After you know for sure he truly cares about you.

Live By the RULE, Not the EXCEPTION

Now, please don’t write to tell me, “I had sex after the first date and now I’m happily married,” or “My best friend slept with her boyfriend the first night they met and now they’re so in love.

These situations are the exception to the rule. I suggest you live BY the rule unless you don’t mind gambling with your emotions and your body.

If you are dating with a purpose and seeking a meaningful relationship with an emotionally available man; it’s your duty to make sure he’s actually into you before getting naked together.

What I recommend to anyone that’s ready for a meaningful relationship (and yes, I followed this myself when I was single) is:

No P in the V until monogamy.

You read it right— no sex until a monogamous relationship is established.

When a man is willing to only date you (and you want to only date him) it’s likely he’s really into you and committed to giving your relationship a chance. It’s also likely he really enjoys being around you and sex isn’t his main motivation.

Establishing a mutual interest and commitment to developing a relationship allows you to enjoy sex as a shared experience.

Knowing he’s interested in you before jumping into bed can allow the physical interaction to bring you both emotionally closer.

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