Get Out of the Friend Zone: 5 Steps
Oh no… it happened. You’ve developed feelings for him and realize: you’re in the friend zone. So, how do you get out of the friend zone? I’ll show you– in just 5 steps.
Even just saying “friend zone” hurts because it’s a notoriously difficult zone to escape.
Getting out of the friend zone is like climbing Mount Everest. It’s a huge up-hill battle, it takes dedication, and only 29% that attempt the climb make it to the summit.
I’m going to show you how to climb out of the friend zone without using any gimmicks or tricks. I’ve seen multiple “dating gurus” claim to have a “no-fail” system to get out of the friend zone. I’ve even seen products that guarantee results. According to them: if their program doesn’t work— you’re obviously doing something wrong.
That’s not how I roll. (Here’s some more truths most dating coaches won’t tell you.)
I Don’t Offer False Promises.
I’m not a sugar coater. I’ll always tell you the truth because I strive to bring objectivity into your dating life. This type of situation can be incredibly emotional and I refuse to play into your feelings while you’re in a sensitive situation. So, lets get real real.
The Bad News:
There’s no absolute guarantee you will turn this friendship into a relationship. You can’t convince him that you’re his perfect match… he has to feel it and see it for himself. Also, you must be dedicated to this process for some time. A shift in his emotions and perception of you (his “friend”) rarely happens over night.
The Good News:
If you follow these 5 steps, there’s a great chance you can shift your friend’s feelings and allow him to see you for the amazing, sexy woman you are.
The Really Good News:
No matter what happens, you’ll come out of this process a healthier you and even closer to finding the type of relationship you desire. When you have strong feelings for a man, it’s nearly impossible to date and give other men a chance (Just like when and ex holds you back from finding love). It’s time you stopped wondering if this relationship could happen and find out.
There are two possible outcomes:
1. You end up with the man you’ve already started falling for
2. You start heading down the path to finding the man you’ll fall hard for and that will fall hard for you.
Either way, you can’t lose!
Get Out of the Friend Zone: 5 Steps
Admit that what you’re doing isn’t working. You’re in the friend zone and the only person that got you here is you.
For many clients, this is the hardest step to take. You’re here because what you’re doing isn’t working.
Something needs to shift in your behavior and perception.
Many singles seek advice because they want to see a change in their love life and yet continue to defend their actions.
We need to change the way you’re handling this relationship so there can be a shift.
Example: Right now you probably think, “If I answer the phone every time he calls— he’ll see how great it is to talk to me,” or “If I hang out with him every time he asks to— he’ll see how much fun I am and fall for me!”
Although all of your actions have been with the best intentions, what you’ve been doing isn’t working. Admit it.
Define how your friend currently sees you. The goal is for him to see you as girlfriend material (sexy, smart, fun, reliable) but that’s not the role you’re playing in his life (yet!). You’re currently fulfilling something in his life… and it’s not his love interest.
- Are you the sister he never had?
- Are you his therapist he vents to about work?
- Are you a human pillow he gets to cuddle with when he’s lonely?
- Are you the reliable back-up plan when all else fails?
- Are you his second mother and build him up when he’s feeling insecure?
Nobody wants to sleep with their sister, therapist, pillow, back-up plan, or mother.
You know what you’ve turned into? An emotional booty call.
Now that you have true feelings for him, it’s time to stop the “booty calls.” The dynamic needs to shift or else this booty call relationship is going to prevent you from finding love (with him or anyone else).
Timing is everything for this step.
First: it’s the timing with you.
Don’t take this step until you have truly examined step 1 and step 2, know that you are truly ready for a change, and will be ready to jump right into step 4.
Secondly, it’s timing with him.
Confessing your feelings to him doesn’t have to be made into a grandiose display of your deepest emotions… it’s simply a moment that you’re going to be straight forward about how you feel.
It’s incredibly important he’s not distracted at all during this conversation. If he’s had a stressful day at work— forget about it. It he’s distracted by his phone… not a good time. You need his full attention when he’s in good spirits.
Don’t Tell Him Beforehand
While it might feel right, there’s no need to tell him beforehand, “I have something important we need to talk about tonight.” This only heightens the situation with suspense, assumption, and stress. Simply decide on a timeframe (maybe within a week), set up a time to hang out, and feel it out.
What you’ll specifially tell him will be unique to your situation. No matter what you say: make sure it’s light hearted, has flirty undertones, and isn’t full of pressure. Here’s a sample of something appropriate to say to give you a few ideas:
Jason, there’s something I’ve been wanting to be completely honest with you about. I think we’ve developed a great friendship and I always enjoy hanging out with you no matter what the situation is. The thing is— something has shifted inside of me and I’m starting to see you in a new light. I’ve developed a bit of a crush on you! I can’t help but think it might be great to see what it’s like being more than friends. We have great chemistry as friends, and I’m pretty sure we’d have great chemistry in other areas too.
Don’t expect the heavens to open up, to hear music, and to instantly start making out. He’s got to absorb what you just put out there and re-examine where he stands.
You Told Him! Great! Now Leave
In most situations, after the confession it’s best that you leave. Why?
Because if you stay, you put yourself at risk of interacting the way you always do: as friends.
You’ll tell him to “think about it” because “something has changed” and spend the rest of the night in your usual role of sister, mother, or therapist. You essentially showed him that nothing has changed and things can resume the way they always were.
We don’t want this anymore! He needs to realize that this is serious and he has some things to figure out (without telling him he has to).
This is the hardest step.
This is the most important step.
Everything inside of you will scream, “If we don’t hang out— he’ll forget about me!” or “I have to show him how great of a catch I am,” or worse: “I have to convince him I’d make a great girlfriend!”
He needs to feel the missing piece in his life. He probably wasn’t using you on purpose as an emotional booty call… he just took your availability for granted.
He Needs to Miss You
The other day while shopping, I suddenly realized an earring was missing. I was wearing a pair of sliver dangly earrings. I have several pairs of silver dangly earrings that could have gone great with my outfit, but I had just randomly chosen that pair of silver dangly earrings.
On any given day, I don’t give much thought to all my silver dangly earrings. I put on an outfit and they’re usually reliably waiting for me in my jewelry cabinet. If you had asked me, I wouldn’t have told you these particular earrings were my favorite or anything, but I did like them.
Now, every time I wear an outfit that requires silver dangly earrings, I think about that pair!
I have plenty of other earrings that are equally (if not more) pretty— but I realize now how often I chose those.
I took them for granted and now that they’re missing in my jewelry cabinet… I miss them! I think about them way more than I ever have. I think about those earrings way more now that I don’t have them than I ever did when they were right in front of my face.
Sometimes we don’t know the value of something until we no longer have it.
5. GET A LIFE
Get a life and get a new attitude!
When I say to distance yourself, I’m not telling you to suddenly turn the cold shoulder! I want you to actually not be as available.
Don’t be as quick to answer his calls, don’t feel any urgency when answering his texts, and don’t ever leave a night open in hopes he’ll ask you to hang out.
It’s time you figure out new things to bring into your life. Start something new. Get a new look. Find you’re sexy attitude and embrace yourself for the unique woman you really are.
Your friend has always seen you in whatever role you’ve played in his life. In order for a man to crush on you— he has to feel attraction towards you. He’s not seen you in this way… until now.
Make a Change
When you start something new he doesn’t know about or change your style without asking his opinion first: it shifts his perception about you. You suddenly become mysterious instead of his “predictable sister” and this causes him to see you in a new light.
You want your role in his life to change, so change your role.
You can’t convince him to feel attraction for you, but this shift in your attitude can help shift the dynamic. The dynamic must shift in order for there to ever be something more.
No Matter the Outcome- It’s a Win
No matter what happens, you deserve to be with someone that appreciates you and knows what a great catch you are. Great friends can turn into great lovers, however, he may decide he’ll always see you as a friend. At that point you’ll be seperated from this emotional booty call and have already created a life worth being exciting about.
No matter the outcome with this guy, you’ve already started setting yourself up for Mr. Right.
Either your friend’s mindset and attraction will shift, or you’ll continue to move forward and even closer to the type of relationship you deserve. Sounds like a win-win situation!