Why is My Cheating Ex Talking About Me?
Dear Shauna Z-
I have been single for about 9 months now after finding out that my fiancé (boyfriend of three years) started cheating on me with a woman from his department at work. I have moved on and cut most ties with him but we used to work in the same facility. After I left my job for another opportunity, he has felt the need to talk terribly about me to my old coworkers and friends. Can you think of any logical explanation for this or maybe how to handle it? I just can’t understand why my cheating ex is talking about me in such a mean way 9 months later when I did a bunch for him. I hate to admit it but it hurts me a lot. Thank you very much. — A
First of all, I’m extremely sorry you’re going through this. Working at the same facility must have made it even more difficult to heal and move on. I understand how you must be feeling. My ex husband, the other woman, and I all worked at the same facility.
Healing can be more difficult when you share the same friends and when you’re “forced” to face that situation every day. Understanding the 7 Stages to Recovery After Cheating can help you fully heal from the situation.
Congrats on your new job opportunity! I understand how hearing him continue to talk about you can be hurtful. You loved this man and never thought that his betrayal was even a possibility. Even though you now see him for who he truly is (a liar and a cheater), it’s still painful to see him continue hurtful behavior toward you. You’ve started moving on… why hasn’t he?
With my clients, the primary focus is their life, their goals, and their healing. I want this to be yours too. (This way we can make sure your ex doesn’t hold you back at all.)
While I rarely speculate the “whys” of someone else’s behaviors, I feel in this case there’s a few common behaviors cheaters exhibit in the aftermath. Understanding what could be potentially driving his behavior could help you let go and move on.
Talking Bad About You Validates Him
Your ex is incredibly concerned with how others view him.
He values his self worth on how he looks from the outside. The fact that he cheated on you makes him look bad. He may believe that if he can convince others that you’re “a terrible person”, then it will make sense to everyone else why he cheated.
Anytime someone thinks highly of you (around him) it reflects poorly on him.
A Symptom of a Larger Problem… Within Himself
The fact that he ever cheated on you to begin with demonstrates that there’s an underlying issue he needs to deal with. I can’t be certain what that issue is exactly, but I do have good news: It isn’t your problem anymore!
People Are Drawn to Drama
During a situation like this, your true friends will rise to the top.
When a “dramatic” situation like this occurs —especially at a shared place of work where everyone knows all the “characters” involved— people naturally want to hear as many details as possible.
People show you who they are. Your true friends know what he’s saying is BS, so they don’t care what he says. True friends simply ignore him and don’t engage in the conversation!
My concern is the people that are running straight to you in order to “inform” you. I suggest you allow yourself to view these individuals from a distance and decipher whether or not you should maintain a relationship with them.
True friends help push you forward and don’t pull you back into the past.
Keep Moving Forward
Accept that he probably will continue exhibiting this kind of behavior.
Know that if you choose to engage in it in any way (confronting him, speaking to old coworkers about the situation, etc) it will only increase.
You are a strong, beautiful woman who’s well on her way to creating the life she deserves. Take what you learned 9 months ago and keep moving forward on the journey to happiness. I empower you to cut ties from anything or anyone that holds you back.
I’m excited because I know there are great things in store for you!